Missing Mama—Where Have I Been?

Oh, how quickly blogging can fall to the wayside, especially when life just sort of explodes into a frenzy. It’s been four months since my last entry. Here’s what we’ve been up to:

1. We’re pregnant.
2. We’re pregnant and my husband works 10 hours a day.
3. We’re pregnant, my husband works 10 hours a day, and I’m home with a terrible-twos toddler.
4. We’re pregnant, my husband works 10 hours a day, I’m home with a terrible-twos toddler, and I’ve taken on way to much freelance work that I can’t possibly ever get done.
5. We’re pregnant, my husband works 10 hours a day, I’m home with a terrible-twos toddler, I’ve taken on way to much freelance work that I can’t possibly ever get done, and I’m rockin’ through my third cold of this pregnancy.

That’ll kill four months like nobody’s business! My pregnancy has been the biggest time sucker, probably the suckiest thing about being pregnant, in my Gemini-go-getter opinion. This time around, for whatever reason (age, next pregnancy etc.), my tiredness hasn’t gone away, not even at 17 weeks now. Not to mention, my first trimester fell smack-dab over Christmas, and poor Ned being gone from the house twelve hours a day, and working weekends. And he and I got head colds that lasted for weeks. December sucked!

Our other time sucker of this gestational period started around week 13, when spotting sent me to the midwives’ offices for an emergency ultrasound. The results of which were bonus pics of the baby, who is doing just fine, and the news that we’re dealing with placenta previa.

For those of you that do not know what placenta previa is (I didn’t), it’s when the placenta grows over the cervix, either completely or partially. This translates to: If the placenta doesn’t move on its own due to the expanding uterus, little baby has no exit. That can mean bedrest and an eventual c-section for the mom, and possible continued spotting.

For us it means “pelvic rest.” No exercise that raises the heart rate, no lifting heavy objects, no sex.

I’ve got be honest, this has done wonders for the development of my 2 ½ year-old Max. Mommy can’t pick him up much, so he’s learned to climb up the stairs using the railing, or crawl up while Mommy tosses a toy up the stairs for incentive. He rides on my lap and we sing the “Oompa Loompa” song as we scoot down. He’s heard the phrase, “that’s my big boy” so many times he says, “big boy, big boy” now.

Sadly, Ned hasn’t heard any such compliments in so long, it’s getting ridiculous. At 20 weeks we’ll have our big ultrasound, to see if the placenta has moved. But lately, when I’ve gone in for a checkup, his only question to me is, “Did you get a sex pass?”

*sigh* No.

The no sex is a terrible thing to do to a pregnant woman. I mean really. Excess hormones. The insanely vivid dreams. Seriously, my dream self is whoring it up every night. My real self is almost ready to put on a habit.

Perhaps this is why I’ve been taking on all that extra work ….

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Time for the No-Sex Talk

You knew this was coming. This topic applies to any mom, no matter how far into the fourth trimester you may be: Living with an 11-month-old baby or only three weeks into it, the no-sex is part of your life.

I scoff now, at those mythical stories we all heard, of the women who did the ultimate no-no, had sex prior to that six-week mark, not waiting until that follow up appointment when the doctor yells “All clear!” from behind the paper sheet. Those naughty girls ended up pregnant mere moments after giving birth.

Yeah, right. We all know after pushing out a baby, or having to go through surgery to welcome our child into the world, there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks we’re messing around with anything down there. Not for six weeks. Or eight weeks. Or whatever timeline our bodies take to heal.

My own story surprised me. We waited until the lame six-week mark, plus time for birth control pills to kick in, plus more time for me to be ready. And I still wasn’t ready. In the first few months after giving birth, the idea of sex didn’t even pass through my mind. And rightfully so, anyone else would say, my hours were filled with being Mom, and not being awake. But I’d see a sex scene in a movie or on television and just be repulsed by it, as if my body had trained my mind to tell me: Girl, you do not have time for that. That is a frivolous use of our resources. We are not entertaining any ideas of doing that!

But as much as I wanted to blame the dry spell on Max, I couldn’t. Eventually, we got past that first three-month phase. Past the waking up several times a night. Past the falling asleep on the couch in the morning while the baby played in his awesome underwater Baby Einstein gym. And the routine was still … crickets.

It had nothing to do with Ned. Or me really, there was no not being attracted to my partner. Just a big span of nothingness. Desire gone *poof*.

So like most modern moms, I turned to the Internet. Which had a handful of articles about how to get yourself in the mood, how to schedule time with your partner, and how important, deeply, deeply important, it was to get yourself back on that sexy horse.

But in reality, I think, the response most of us may have is, “Yeah but, I still don’t wanna.” In reality, I think that we don’t talk about this, not to each other, to our partners, nothing. Sex is a thing we’ve just stopped caring about, because all of our caring has gone to another little human being. And we’re mostly okay with it. In the words of Rock (Jake Ryan’s chin-up buddy) in Sixteen Candles, “There’s nothin’ there man … It’s not ugly. It’s just … void.”

It’s just void.

The lesson of the no-sex talk is that the void doesn’t last forever, and like most things I’ve discovered in this post-birth world, it is futile to beat myself up over the changes. My marriage won’t fail if I don’t enlist the Top Five Tips for Scheduling Sex. I will keep getting up going about the day, even with 20 extra pounds, which eventually has become 15 pounds. My world will not fall apart if I don’t make it to yoga every day. And my family certainly will benefit most when I just cut myself some much needed slack.

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